Jackie, Andrea, Kristi, Genevieve, Dawn, Becca, Luci, Heidi, Laura, Debi - these are the first names of the last ten people posting on a local Homeschooling group's page. Notice anything? They're all women. If you've been around home schooling for any length of time, this is not surprising.
In the book Kingdom of Children: Culture and Controversy in the Homeschooling Movement, author Mitchell L. Stevens makes the same observation.[1] Stevens spent ten years researching homeschooling culture from the third-party perspective of an interested sociologist. When it came to Christian homeschoolers, he found it striking that - in this one area only - from idea to execution the wife leads the family, and the husband just plays along. The reason? He proposes that this "renovated domesticity" adds respectability to the role of "stay-at-home mom." He supports this claim with many quotes from an extensive number of interviews. Is it true that the philosophy driving the Christian home school is a matriarchal feminism?
It's a startling thought to consider. Homeschooling is usually accused of the opposite - patriarchy - and certainly, whether the initial intent or not, most homeschooling households are a traditional, single-income family where the mother stays home. First, we must concede that homeschooling parents believe that they have their children's best interests at heart. They use the language of child development to justify their various approaches - no matter how irresponsible their philosophy may be. They certainly don't do it solely for personal fulfillment; there is no case to make there. We should, however, consider the cognitive dissonance. The stereotypical Christian homeschooling father leads his family in every aspect of family and home life except this one.
It's a common claim: dad is the principal and mom is the teacher. As Todd Wilson points out, some fathers SAY they are the principal so that they don't have to do ANYTHING.[2] Ask them about their philosophy of education or the design of their curriculum - questions normally associated with the role of a principal. The blank stares and dismissive answers are telling. Homeschooling is women's work - all of it. And the blame isn't all on the lazy, disinterested dads of this day and age. More than one father has taken an interest, stuck his nose in, and got bit. Once bitten, twice shy. Homeschooling is the woman's domain, where men and angels fear to tread. [3]
I was a young dad on my way into a homeschooling conference in Richmond, VA, when I first came to understand this cultural oddity. I've always thought of curriculum selection as a father's role. Halfway through my own Kindergarten experience, my dad pulled me out of a small Christian school and enrolled me in another. On the day before the switch, the teacher informed the other students they should say goodbye to me at recess. One little boy asked "Why is he leaving?" The teacher turned to me, not really knowing the answer; and I innocently proclaimed "My dad doesn't like the curriculum!" I do not recall the exact response of the teacher, but it was flustered enough that I remember the incident to this day. I knew I'd said something damaging. But that was my experience - that Dads care about what goes into their children's head from philosophy of education to curriculum scope and sequence. My dad went on to be homeschool teacher for many high school AP courses for his six children. My perspective is also unique in that my wife is a second generation homeschooler and not insecure or averse to new ideas. We have longstanding debates on the merits of different curriculums and approaches. May the best plan win!
So there I was, in the long registration line at the homeschool conference and book fair. Directly behind me, I heard a young couple talking. They were newbies - first year homeschoolers! He had yet to learn about the Kingdom of Women. He was looking at a map of the exhibit hall and said, "Oh this is like a trade show, I do trade shows all the time for work... we should make a first pass and visit all the vendors quickly and then go back and re-visit the one's we're interested in..." His wife disagreed. It wasn't a trade show at all, it was a "homeschool conference" - with all the dreamy aura of child nurture, breast feeding, and love. But he convinced her: by definition, the exhibit hall was a trade show. Still, she could not accept his ideas of how to conquer the trade show. They should be selective and visit the vendors that her girlfriends were talking about. "You haven't done all the research I've done," she said. I felt his pain. He was learning what most homeschool dads seem to already know: from idea to execution, homeschooling is a women's project. She will do what her girlfriends are doing because it sounds easy, breezy, beautiful, and fun. None of their husbands care, and your way sounds hard. The sad piece of irony is that many wives initially rejecting their husbands help eventually come to complain about his lack of involvement.
So what is the answer to all of this? The picture of husband and wife walking together in this tremendous undertaking is very different and beautiful. From a strictly resource standpoint, you want both parents involved. From a Christian perspective, the complementarity and diversity of giftings in a husband and wife is foundational doctrine! Can two walk together unless they be agreed? Avoiding conflict is not agreement! Sparks fly when iron sharpens iron. Homeschooling is just Parenting on Steroids.
Lord, help us walk together! Help us make homeschooling a joint effort. Help us husbands live with our wives in an understanding way. Help our wives to accept our leading and help us craft the right strategy. Help us rightly divide the Tasks of Homeschooling as we consider this tremendous undertaking. Help us take seriously the idea of a Homeschool Dad Job Description. Help us develop a philosophy of education that not only pursues excellence, but is thoroughly Christian. Help us form the right tactical plan that makes it easy on the parents and rigorous for the students. Help us select the right curriculum.[4] Help us craft a family mission and goals and put the right plan in place for each child.[5]
References:
[1] Stevens, Mitchel L. Kingdom of Children: Culture and Controversy in the Homeschooling Movement, Princeton, NJ: Princeton University Press, 2003.
[2] Wilson, Todd. Help, I’m Married to a Homeschool Mom: Showing Dads How to Meet the Needs of Their Homeschooling Wives. Moody Publishers; April 1, 2004.
[3] Wilson, Todd. How to be a Great Wife Even Though You Homeschool. Familyman Ministries; 2008.
[4] Elijah Academy: Getting Started Handbook
[5] Elijah Academy: Helpful Forms
